Tired of not living my joy.  I typo'd joy as job - how fitting.  I deserve so much better than this, all of this.  Maybe it's a quiet realization I need to jolt me awake; no large gesture, apart from an inner humbling.

I'm so grateful for all I have and will be given, positive or negative.  It's made me who I have had to be.  But right now I'm asking for help.  I can't do this alone, and maybe that is the ultimate lesson out of all of this.

So, hi there God.  Please help me.  Actively, silently, vocally, monumentally, minisculely - i know it's all happening right now.  Hear my prayer.  Thank you.

Blue Summer - The Phoenix Foundation

4*

(nb: whenever a star appears next to the number in the title, this means that the day's question will be a question for further thought on the one previously asked)

Q: Which is more important, actual experiences, or the memories that remain when the experiences are over?

A: I believe actual experiences are more important.  Of course memory serves a purpose, especially in an artistic sense when memory can stir emotion and evoke another time.  However, all we ever have is the present, a series of 'current' moments that we drift through life with.  We can never go back down the stream, back to a place where momentum took us once, but won't take us again.  It's the natural flow of things.

4

Q: If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, why not?

A: At first I was going to respond that of course I would, as I would be no better or worse off from having had that year and not remembering it.  But to not remember a whole year of your life - that would be difficult for me to stomach.  I already have several periods of time in my life that I'm unable to remember because I dreamed them away, or wished they weren't happening, and I look back and wonder how I could have been so incredibly stupid, to waste my time in such a way.  I think I would feel the same about a year that I voluntarily chose the option of not remembering.

As for the 'perfect happiness' bit, a Patrick Wolf lyric,

if you've never lost, how you gonna know when you've won?

if it's never dark, how you gonna know the sun?

3

Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

A: If I were to die this very evening, I would most regret not telling the world about the music I have within me.  I have so much untapped potential.  I've found my musical well, but I refuse to dip into it.  

Why haven't I told the world about my music? Maybe I'm afraid of the commitment I have to make in order to succeed.  But it's not really me who's afraid of that commitment, is it? We all want peace, deep down.  Who we truly are wants peace, that inner I Am wants nothing more than to rest in the present, flowing through a beautiful melody.  My ego doesn't want me to discover my peace, because it cannot exist in the present moment.  

2

Q: Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?

A: I don't believe in ghosts, but I do believe in evil spirits.  That is to say, I don't believe evil spirits can take a physical from that is visible to the human eye.  However, I do believe that all things at their most basic level are pure energy, and the frequency at which this energy vibrates can be interpreted as negative or positive.  Certain energies linger, and given the chance, cause problems.  So I would mostly likely, if given the option, decline an offer to spend a night alone in a supposedly haunted, remote house.  Even if there was no chance of physical harm, the mental stress my imagination would impose upon me would be harm enough.

1

Q: For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?

A: I can't adequately answer this question at this time.  I've never been in love, or at least not the kind of romantic love that makes people give up everything they've ever had for all they've always wanted.  Maybe I will experience that feeling in the future, but for now I am satisfied with my answer being that I have no answer.